Coping with the unexpected

 Receiving post in my husband’s name hasn’t bothered me (yet), but it’s those once-off phone calls wanting to speak with him that I find difficult. The Fire Brigade rang (!), asking to speak with him. I explained he had died and asked why they were ringing. It was about smoke alarms – my husband had requested a contact before he became unwell, at least two years ago! Another call was from the local Councillor, who was an acquaintance of my husband through his voluntary work, rang. In retrospect, I suspect it was just a random phone call in light of the coming Mayoral Election and that she hadn’t realised who she was phoning, but this made for a bizarre call as I explained my husband had died and I apologised that she hadn’t been informed. I suspect she was still trying to work out who he was after we had finished the call! 

Other phone calls have been strange, too! When I have rung a company to inform them of my husband’s death, quite often I have been transferred to the ‘bereavement team’. Immediately, the tone of voice changes and I can almost imagine the person’s head tilting onto their shoulder as they express their condolences. Don’t get me wrong, they have been very helpful, but after two or three of these part of me wanted to laugh at the sudden change in manner.

The hardest unexpected occurrence, so far, was filling out a questionnaire. I can’t remember what it was for (my memory is even worse than normal at the moment, although I gather this is quite normal in grief). Nearing the end of the questionnaire, it asked me to tick a box to register whether I was married or single. These were the only options. I stared at the page and thought, ‘I don’t know what I am’. I feel married, but I’m on my own. This question completely floored me. In the end I ticked single, as I thought this was probably what they wanted, but it didn’t feel right!

I have become obsessed with a light brown jumper of my husband’s, mainly because I have a lovely picture of him and that is what he is wearing in the picture. I had decided this would be something I would keep. Can I find It? It is very unlikely that he would have thrown it out – I have cleared away other, moth-eaten, jumpers of his which he still had. I have searched. I went through the bags I had packed for the clothes bank (several times); I went through the bags of rags (several times!); I have searched the house – has it fallen behind the settee, a chair - and the car, etc? It is nowhere to be seen. I am concluding that he must have left it at the hospital on one of his visits, although I know he wore a cardigan much of the time to make it easier to have his blood taken. I have other jumpers of his that he wore just as much, and that appear in other photos, but I became fixated on this jumper. I know I have to let it go, and I’m getting there, but it still rankles…

Another unexpected thing has been my eating pattern. I would have predicted that I would comfort eat, as this has been my pattern previously in hard times. My appetite, however, completely went and I often felt sick. I had to make myself eat. I can now enjoy my food again, although I’m still getting used to buying and cooking for one, which feels so different.  

On a positive note, an unexpected moment this week was when I found myself singing to myself a couple of days ago. This is something I used to do all the time but hadn’t done so since my husband died. I am glad it has returned!