Clearing

B liked books; I like books; our house is overrun with books. There are some books of B’s that he kept in what was his study that I don’t want to keep, but what surprised me when starting to clear them is how many of them belonged to his first wife and to his father. Some he would have read, but some were extremely dusty indicating that they had just sat on the shelf since the day we moved into our house, twenty-four years ago. Perhaps, he had had trouble letting go too and, in a strange way, this is a comfort to me.

In many ways it won’t be too difficult for me to get rid of these books (all 20 boxes of them, though far more remain!) knowing they are going to be put to some use. What was hard, though, was when it looked like I wouldn’t be able to give them to a charity shop, as the first was less than helpful. Whilst I don’t mind giving them to a good cause, the thought of taking them to the tip was, somehow, unbearable. Anyway, the boxes are now sitting in the hall waiting for my appointment on Thursday with the second bookshop I contacted, who were, thankfully, so much more enthusiastic. My head knows that the house is tidier without them, and that Oxfam will benefit from them, but a piece of me mourns the fact that the shelves are now different, and it does feel as though I am erasing another piece of him.

Yesterday, I decided to venture into the garage as I knew there were some more books stored in there (!) and that some of these could also go to Oxfam. What I wasn’t prepared for was finding a big box that B had stowed away in a cupboard. This contained a box of his diaries going back years, photos and a jewellery box belonging to his first wife, and numerous carrier bags with stuff in them. Oh my, this unleashed a torrent of emotions! Why hadn’t he told me that some of his first wife’s belongings were there? He had told me where her wedding and engagement ring were and that it was up to me to do what I wanted with them. I felt cross with him that he had left these things for me to deal with. For a short moment, it also made me start to doubt our relationship – if he had kept all these things from her, did he really love me? Stupid I know! I actually admired him for keeping those bonds with his first wife alive (he used to visit the crematorium each year on their wedding anniversary, which I thought was lovely). In reality, I suspect he had just forgotten that her belongings were there, but it was still hard finding them. In a strange way, though, this has helped me. In the same way that there were some things he had to keep, there are some things of his that I have to keep and that is alright. And, perhaps more importantly, he would have understood, even though he was the least sentimental person I knew.

Fortunately, the carrier bags made me laugh! When we went on holiday B would always have numerous carrier bags – yes, for dirty washing, but also for putting various, necessary, odds and ends in. I never quite understood this, but he had his systems. Well, the carrier bags I found in the garage also contained numerous odds and ends: three tins of pins, paper clips and safety pins; a plug adaptor for going abroad; a travel alarm clock; boot cleaning equipment; screws and nails; buttons; shoelaces; pens; some foreign stamps; and, oh, so many combs! Probably, all things that could come in useful but, until now, never did…

On a bit of different note, I am trying not to ruminate, particularly as I know this is one of the things that scuppers the grieving process. Much of this week, and I don’t know why, it has felt like I have been thinking about the negative things – things we didn’t do; things that could have, perhaps, been different; our arguments. Perhaps it is good to think not only of the good things, as I don’t want to have an idealised memory of B, but I know I need to move past this. I think this is where covid has not helped. It has given more time, if one is not careful, to wallow and although I have tried not to do this, it is sometimes difficult to avoid. But I have things in my diary for the next couple of weeks and that is good!