A grey week

Until today, the weather this week has been dull and grey, not to mention wet, and that sort of sums up what life feels like at the moment. On Sunday I went back to church – it wasn’t as bad as last time, although it was still hard – and afterwards a group of us went out for lunch, such a treat! It was so good to be with friends and in a restaurant. What was strange, though, was by the time I got back to the car I was crying again, and I don’t really know why – going out without B, going home alone, I’m not entirely sure, but it’s strange how one’s mood can change so quickly!

It has seemed harder to find things that I am grateful for this week (as I think I mentioned in a previous post, I try to think of three things that I am grateful for at the end of each day). One of things I have done is to join a webinar with David Kessler, a death and grieving expert. It was helpful when he explained that finding things to be grateful for can be a big ask, and sometimes it is good enough to look for the ‘wins’. Well, I have been cleaning the house. I can’t say that I like housework, but once I get going, I get into it and it gives me something else to focus on and by the end it does give me a feeling of satisfaction, so this week that has been a ‘win’. I have also planted some cuttings that a friend gave me, and tidied the patio, which now looks presentable (not fabulous, but good enough), so that is another ‘win’. I did find some more photos of B, so I am grateful for that, as well as those emails and calls from friends.

I now have my memory box and into it I have put: things B has written; Valentine’s cards, anniversary cards, a few birthday cards and some postcards he gave / sent me over the years; a completed book of Guardian crosswords; a book of dances, which he would have called; and so forth. The photos will go into it at some point, but I can’t put them in there yet, as I still need to look at them most days. I am still writing down memories of B, or occasions that we shared, as they come to me. These will also go into the box when there are no more to write down. I guess that all this is my way of continuing my connection with B and finding meaning after his death. All the grief experts seem to say that we have to feel the pain and release it if we are to heal. David Kessler pointed out though that, as humans, we tend to run away from pain, whereas we should be like buffalos that run into a storm to minimise the discomfort. I found this helpful, as generally I try to allow myself to feel the pain and cry if I need to (unless I’m with others when I try to stop myself!). It’s that bouncing between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented responses. Part of me died with B, but a part of him lives on in me. Hopefully, I am allowing myself to grieve so that, ultimately, I can heal, find meaning and live again in a way that honours him. 

David Kessler also reminded me to be kind with myself – that’s what I would always tell the relatives of those I used to care for. He pointed out that early grief is the first two years of grief. I have to say, this somewhat surprised me, but also made me feel better! I’m doing ok, I am only four months in and I’m plodding on. It may be grey, but like today’s weather, sometimes the sun spills through…