Everyday life

-

Now that I have had both of my covid vaccinations, I am getting out more. Last week, I spent a week with my family. I hadn’t seen them since February 2020, when B and I both went to celebrate my Dad’s birthday. It was a good week, yes, with some hard moments, but life felt like it was somewhat more normal. The counter-side to this, though, as life gets fuller and I get more used to being without B, is that it feels as though he is starting to slip away, and I don’t feel ready to let that happen yet, even though I know he would be pleased that I am getting on with my life. I guess it’s one of those big adjustments that just take time.

One of the things that happened whilst I was away was the partial annular solar eclipse. As often with these things it was cloudy and so, not expecting to see it, I had actually forgotten about it. However, at about 11.10 am, wandering around a National Trust Garden, the clouds parted for a few minutes and I looked up and there it was, at pretty much maximum! My sister was with me in a mobility tramper, the chassis of which just happened to be black, and so we were able to view the eclipse in safety, looking at its reflection in the chassis. This made me inexplicably happy! B & I travelled on a couple of occasions to view total solar eclipses, one to the Channel Islands (where much the same happened), and the other to Turkey, which was an amazing experience. Rather fancifully, I did think that, if I believed in signs, I could have believed that this was a sign from B…

On a more mundane level, whilst away, I managed to buy some linen trousers. This had become rather urgent as I discovered that, because of the weight I have lost, none of the linen trousers I owned would stay up, and it is definitely getting too hot to wear jeans! I had been wearing a belt with my jeans, but I can’t do this with my summer trousers. At least now I have some summer clothes to wear. 

Strangely, on my return home there was a letter from the DWP awaiting me. It passed on their condolences on B’s death, stated that there were no arrears on his state pension and that if there were any over-payments they would be reclaiming them (there aren’t, as B conveniently died on the day of his last payment and, if I understand correctly, they are paid in arrears). Fair enough, they obviously need to close B’s account, but it just struck me as odd that it had taken them nearly five months to write to me. I admit that it did take my breath away a little as their letter just came a little left-field, and I had thought that nearly all the (s)admin had been dealt with. I do still get some letters addressed to B, despite informing an umbrella organisation that is supposed to limit this, but at the moment it doesn’t bother me, it makes him real, but I guess this might change. Most of the letters addressed to him seem to come from charities, but I’m afraid they just get ripped up and put into the recycling bin. 

I am now in the process of getting quotes for some work on the roof and to replace the windows of the house (I’m trying not to say ‘our’, but it still seems strange to say ‘my’, hence the neutral ‘the’s’!). This is a big and complex job that I want to get sorted out in the next few months, but I am very aware that it is something I have to do on my own and, I hate to even say this, but it does seem easier when there is a man around the house. I really don’t want to be labelled as a ‘helpless female’ and taken for a ride. So, I’m trying my best and hoping I don’t get ripped off.

I am becoming aware that I will, at some point, need to think about how I am going to occupy myself. I have a little work lined up for the end of July (straightforward work, that won’t involve me talking about death and dying), which I’m looking forward to, and I also still have a lot of sorting out of things in the house to do, but long-term I need to re-gain some purpose for my life. I have decided that I’m not going to make any big decisions until a year after B’s death has occurred, but I have also decided that anything I do take on will be intentional. In the past, I haven’t been too good at saying ‘no’, but I want to change this so that anything I do take-on will be something I am good at, and hopefully enjoy, and where I feel I have something to offer.

Comments

Post a Comment

Thank you for your message. Please be aware that I may not be able to respond.

Popular posts from this blog

Three and a half years - layers of grief

-
A lot has happened since my previous post. Sadly, B’s sister died unexpectedly in April and exactly a week later her husband died after a long illness. In June my Mum died, after a long period of physical incapacity. And then a cousin, whom I rarely saw but was fond of, also died. More grief, but different grief… I’m not sure I’ve processed my Mum’s death yet. For her, her death was a blessing. She had been bed-bound for some years with her quality of life slowly deteriorating, and so in some ways it was a relief for all of us. I know, though, that when I feel at my saddest I am also aware of the absence of B’s comforting presence. This then this makes me feel more sad, confused and guilty… should I still be grieving for him when I should be grieving for my Mum? But I reassure myself, rightly or wrongly, that it’s alright to feel what I am feeling… Of course, my sister-in-law and brother-in-laws’ deaths were so much harder for my nieces than for me, and I was glad to be able to support...
Read more

My story

-
 A while ago, our Church Secretary, a reader of The Grieving Jester, asked if I would tell my story at my church and a couple of Sundays ago I did so. I was very nervous, and there had been several questions going around my head: will people really want to hear this stuff? Am I going to bore them or upset them? Is it appropriate? Am I going to be able to do this? But, one of the reasons I started my blog in the first place was to talk about this stuff and get it into the open, so how could I refuse? Well, actually it was fine and I received several appreciative comments afterwards. I did wonder whether I should post it here, it feels quite exposing, but in for a penny… In essence, it’s a summary of all, or most of, what I’ve written over the last three plus years, but also referencing my faith. So, here it is: “For those that don’t know me, I have been coming to Bloomsbury (my church) since I started my nursing training, and I spent the majority of my career working in the field of...
Read more

Three years and moving forward

-
B and I were married for just over twenty-four years, and were ‘an item’ for several years before that. In many ways we were opposites, but we complemented each other. Above all, we were each other’s best friend. We fitted together and we were happy together. And now I am on my own, and today is the third anniversary of B’s death. So how am I? What have I learnt? Well, it’s good I didn’t know how hard it was going to be without him, but I know that the pain of his loss is the price for the happiness we found in each other. Would I do it all again? Of course, I would! I now know that grief is about learning to bear the unbearable, but I also know that I can do the impossible, I can bear the unbearable! I didn’t have a choice, B didn’t choose to die, but I did have a choice about how I dealt with his absence. I chose to look squarely into the face of darkness, to learn to live with the abyss that appeared in my life. I could have shut it all out but I knew that, ultimately, that would ha...
Read more