Sharing

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One of the things I have heard experts specialising in grief say is that grief has to be witnessed. One of the things I have found to be so helpful is sharing my experience with others. Fortunately, I haven’t had any friends who have expected me to be better than I am or who expect me to put on a brave face. There is also something especially helpful about sharing with others who are going through a similar thing, who understand and are willing to share. I guess it’s something about normalising grief.

Well, one of the things I did to find others who were grieving was to join some groups on Facebook. I admit that I didn’t follow most of them for too long, as I found hearing about the loss of others just made me feel worse. It wasn’t the sharing about people’s experiences of grieving that was hard, but rather hearing about all the people who had lost ones and who were feeling miserable. I felt I couldn’t hear that whilst trying to move forward myself. Perhaps this is selfish, but I needed to think of my own well-being. I did remain a member of one group though, David Kessler’s ‘Grief, Releasing Pain, Remembering Love & Finding Meaning’ as it felt more positive, and sometimes bits of gold pop up and Monday was one of those days. Jae Thomason posted this, following the death of her wife, Roxanne, just over two years ago. I have been in touch with her, and she has given me permission to share this from my own perspective:

Just for today… I will try to live through the next 24 hours
not expecting to get over my husband’s death,
but learning to live with it, one day at a time.

Just for today… I will remember B’s life, not just his death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.

Just for today… I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They did not know how.

Just for today… I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my husband
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today…I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt.
For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world
I could have done to save B from death, I would have done it.

Just for today… I will honour my husband’s memory
by doing something with another person in pain
because I know that would make my husband proud.

Just for today… I will offer my hand in friendship 
to another bereaved spouse
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today… I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, 
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today… when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving.
The reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving B so much.

Just for today… I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to have been B’s wife and to have had him for as long as I did.
His life helped me to shape the person that I am today.

Just for today… I will accept that I did NOT die when my husband did.
My life did go on and I am the only one 
who can make that life worthwhile again.

Just for today… I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting him by living on. 

I just found this so powerful and something I want to aspire to. I am not sure I can achieve all those things in one day as yet, but it gives me something to aim for. And, I think it has helped me to feel a little more positive this week. So, thank you, Jae for sharing it and allowing me to use it.

I have realised a few things this week. Firstly, that, when I’m on my own, I sometimes I talk to B and sometimes I talk about him (sometimes out loud and sometimes in my head). I seem to talk to him when I am thinking of shared memories and good times we had, or when I know he would have liked something, or done something, or I’ll say something like “I know you would have liked this”. At other times, I’ll say things like, “well, he didn’t use these, did he”. I’ve noticed that I talk to him about the good things, the things that held / hold us together, whereas I talk about him and, in some ways, de-personalise him, if it’s about breaking a link. Again, it’s that holding on to him whilst also letting go…

Secondly, for some reason I’ve started to think about B’s last week again, although I thought I had put this behind me. I found this to be a very difficult time, not so much because he was dying but because a) he was agitated and confused and no longer ‘my B’, and we were no longer able to have a sensible conversation, and b) it took a while to get the support I needed. Although I have already taken some actions to resolve this cognitively, I realised that I have not resolved this emotionally, maybe because it just feels too painful. So, that is a task of mourning I still have to do... Just to say that things did come together, and B was very peaceful and comfortable on his last day, and for that I am thankful.

Thirdly, and I am grateful to David Kessler, a grief specialist, for this, who in one of his videos said, to paraphrase, ‘remember that your loved one did not abandon you, s/he died’. I know that B wouldn’t abandon me, he looked after me, and yet grief sometimes feel like abandonment. Consequently, I just found this so very helpful; B did not abandon me, he died.

Overall, this week has felt better than last week. I actually got through church without crying, even though our organist played Clarke’s Trumpet Voluntary at the end of the service, which is what I walked up the aisle to - I even managed an ironic smile at this! I managed to find and download several letters that B had written for the Notes & Queries section of The Guardian over the years, which pleased me. I have managed to do a bit more sorting and rearranging of the house, resulting in more things going to the hospice shops or for recycling. I have also been out for lunch, and to an exhibition. These are all positive things, but life still feels harder than it did a few weeks ago.  What I’ve realised does help is when people are happy for me to talk about B, or to talk about him themselves. It is much harder when, for whatever reason, this doesn’t happen. It can then feel as though I am wearing two masks, one for covid, and the other a metaphorical mask that looks like me, and me living a normal life (whatever that is!), when actually inside I feel like life will never be normal again and the pain just continues… I keep checking in with myself to make sure I’m not depressed; I’m not, my life is just a very weird mixture of joy and deep sadness. But as Jae said, maybe if I can smile a little my heart will soften, and I will begin to heal…

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