Boogie Woogie etc.

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 Music has always played a fairly significant part in my life but, strangely, I have played very little since B died. As I’ve said previously, I think it’s because it is just so emotive. I am slowly getting over the hurdle of not playing cheerful music because it seemed wrong when grieving, but I still avoid sad music, and sometimes what I hadn’t deemed sad previously now seems to be. When I have felt like having some music on, I’ve tried to look for neutral music – I’m aware as I write it that that sounds idiotic, how can music be neutral? – and, of course, it hasn’t worked! For some reason I find it easier to play music in the car, classical or pop, it just seems more natural, although I have no reason why! 

Music in church is the same, it can make me feel joyful or throw me into deep sadness. I know I am not alone in this. It reaches the guts, the heart…

Anyway, a few days ago a video of chap called Dr K appeared on my Facebook page. I don’t usually have the sound switched on on Facebook videos and, actually, I tend to avoid watching Facebook videos all together, but the name on his page intrigued me, ‘Dr K Boogie Woogie’. So I turned it on, and all of a sudden I found my foot tapping and my mouth smiling. It made me feel happy! Dr K was playing Boogie Woogie on one of the pianos in St Pancras station and streaming it live on Facebook. It turns out, there are several videos of him playing in stations and they make me smile. So, the consequence of this is that I have bought some Boogie Woogie! I shall try playing it when I feel sad and see if it helps to cheer me up. Perhaps, it will also give me the impetus I need to start listening to other music again. 

Perhaps, my heart / soul / inside, whatever you like to call it, is starting to soften or loosen a little, as I find I am now able to do a little arty stuff, as well. Only simple collages, but it’s a start. I find that tearing, arranging and gluing is quite a therapeutic and mindful activity. I am creating them in what was B’s study. I have now moved most of my art and craft stuff there, so I now have a dedicated space. This is the room that has changed the most since B died. There are still remnants of him – some of his pictures, and I’m using his desk, and of course the book shelves are still in there, plus some photos of him that I have put up – but it is now much more my space than his, though I shall always think of it as B’s room. Strangely, I feel okay with this. It is now a space that I can use for myself whilst still keeping that connection with him.

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