Carrying my grief

This week it has felt as though I have been hit by a truck – I am exhausted! Okay, I haven’t been sleeping so well again, and I have been out most days though nothing has been particularly arduous, but this is not really different to the last few weeks. So why do I feel so tired?  Why is it suddenly different now? Perhaps, it is cumulative and I just haven’t noticed the build-up but, whatever it is, I don’t like it! It is, I think, both physical and mental, and I know that when I feel like this I can become irritable and start to wallow, and that is not good! Having noticed it though, I try to guard against it. This is another reason I miss B (as if there aren’t enough!), he kept me levelled (if that’s a word).

One thing I have become aware of recently is how I am now beginning to show a more positive face to the world, but it feels as though I am wearing a mask. Before when I talked about this, the mask was to protect myself, but now it seems to be about what my head is telling me people will expect! It’s now almost six months since B died (how can it possibly be so long??!!). I am very fortunate, and very grateful, that nobody has said to me “are you over it now?” or “you should be pulling yourself together by now” or “you’re stronger than you think” or “you won’t always feel like this”; all those platitudes that I know others have been offered. My head is telling me that six months is now half a year, I should be moving forward, whereas my heart tells me that it is but a blink of an eye. I know that grief is about learning to carry one’s bereavement and finding a way to live with it, developing a new life, and that it’s not about ‘getting over it’. So why the mask? Perhaps the self-critic in me is kicking-in; or perhaps I’m just too tired to explain, to let my ‘shadow side’ show and have to deal with the reaction; or perhaps I’m trying to protect my friends from what I’m really feeling, I’m not entirely sure... And, perhaps this adds to the tiredness – it can be tiring wearing a mask, but then it becomes circular! Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy being with people, it’s one of the things that has really helped me but, sometimes, it can just be tiring (being an introvert doesn’t help!); another double-edged sword. I guess it’s a bit like the Zoom effect – Zoom is a good tool and it’s great to be able to join with people online, but there can be too much of a good thing! It’s getting the balance right. But, at this point, I also want to say a huge ‘thank you’ to those friends that allow me to be myself, where I don’t feel I have to put on the mask, who share the dark as well as the light - it helps!

A while back I booked a ticket for an exhibition, and a table for lunch before it, for the 16th, yesterday. So far, since B died, I have only done things like this with friends, but I thought it would be good to try doing something on my own. So I chose the exhibition and a restaurant, knowing that they would both be things that I would enjoy. Until I woke up yesterday morning, I had been looking forward to it -  a good exhibition with a lovely lunch beforehand, what more could one ask? Oh my, yesterday came and, suddenly, I dreaded it! I woke with a headache, which didn’t help, and this with the tiredness and, it goes without saying, not being able to go with B was not a good combination. I did question if I had made a big mistake. I tried to distract myself – tidying, more sorting out (!), listening to the radio, etc. These things often help, but yesterday they didn’t. I had a shower and cried – not a genteel cry but full, snotty wail (not good when you’re in water and can’t blow your nose!). The good thing was it helped. I came out of the shower feeling much better and more positive about the day ahead. I was able to look forward to it again. Lesson learnt, sometimes it’s just good to let it out! And, after that, I had a really enjoyable day. 

It’s often the little things! I’ve mentioned previously that, since B died, I have been sleeping in the middle of our bed. The reason for this was two-fold. First and foremost, it makes the bed seem less empty but, secondly, I thought it would help to even out the mattress i.e. flatten that gentle ridge in the middle, created by the impressions our bodies on each side. Well, I got into bed the other night and noticed that the ridge is less noticeable, which, ostensibly, is good. Of course, the corollary of this is that our individual imprints are now less noticeable. This opened the flood gates again; another little piece of B has disappeared. My head tells me this is stupid, whilst my heart just moans. I had to get up again and do something to distract myself before I could go back. Interestingly, I still get out of bed on ‘my’ side, even though it is further from the bedroom door and bathroom…

On a more positive note, earlier this week, I visited a friend of a friend who is going to create a quilt from some old shirts and pyjamas of B’s. Most of these are clothes that were originally earmarked as rags, but now they are going to be re-made into something original and creative. It will be something tangible that I can hold and pull around me, and it will hold many memories of B. I am excited to see the end product.