Feeling low

Well, the plateau didn’t last, or at least it did, but on a lower level then previously. This week I have just felt low for a lot of the time. As far as I can see, there is no obvious reason as to why (apart from the very obvious one, of course), but it’s been harder to shake off this week. There have been no obvious triggers, but the usual distractions haven’t worked. Previously, I have just tried to do something to occupy my mind and the sadness retreated somewhat, but this week the low feeling just remained. I don’t quite know how to explain it. The pain is always in the background, but I can usually take my mind off it for a while, but this week it’s just been sitting there whatever I do. It has almost felt as though I have regressed to earlier weeks, except that the pain is not so raw. The loss of B, and the fact that he won’t be coming back, seems to have hit me again. My head knows it, but my heart just doesn’t want to accept it! I know it as a fact, but the reality is punching me in the face again and causes me anguish. Having been in a happier place over the last few weeks, I wonder if it’s because I have been doing less ‘grief work’ and haven’t been processing my feelings as much. On the other hand, I’ve had more time on my hands as I’ve had workmen here so, perhaps, I have just been over-thinking. I’m not entirely sure!! Perhaps, I’m just over analysing and it’s really because B just feels further away. Whatever the reason, I don’t like it! My internal dialogue goes something like this: “you have a choice; you can be happy or sad. I want to be happy, and I know you would want me to be happy, but how can I be happy without you? I’m not sure that there really is a choice, it’s just what is. All I really want is a hug from you and I would feel better, but I know that’s impossible. I do know, supposedly, that it’s still early days, but it’s beginning to feel like a lifetime since you died… I felt happier last week, why is it different now?”

On Monday, on the spur of the moment, I decided to visit Kew Gardens. I almost didn’t go, but I made myself do it as I knew it would be good for me. It usually takes between an hour and a quarter and an hour and a half to get there. Well, I reached Willesden Junction to hear the driver announce that the train was terminating here due to a broken-down train at Richmond. My heart temporarily sank, until I discovered another train going to Kew. Unfortunately, five minutes later that driver announced that all Overground trains to Richmond had been suspended. I considered the Tube, but then realised they run on the same lines. Fortunately, I could get a different Tube line back into central London. In the end, I got back home two and a half hours later, not actually having been anywhere! (On the plus side, TFL was kind enough to refund me for my abortive journey.) This seems to be quite a good analogy as to where I feel I’m at, at the moment. I travel along the track but then, when all seems to be going so well, I hit a barrier and end up travelling backwards. So, I remind myself that, a) usually, trains travel in both directions, and b) there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it might just be a bit harder to reach than I would like.

Overall, I have been sleeping better recently, now, mostly, getting nearer 6 hours sleep, but for some reason I have been falling asleep on the sofa in the evenings (which I don’t like), and the last couple of nights I have fallen asleep with the light on again. So, strangely, I’m getting more sleep and yet I’m more tired! And no, just to rule it out, although I am feeling low and I am tired, I am not depressed.

On a positive note, I now have scaffolding up and both the roof work and replacement of my windows and front door are due to start in the next few days. It’s a little frustrating that they coincide, but at least it gets it all out of the way at once. I’m expecting chaos! 

Changing the subject, I sometimes worry that my blog is becoming repetitive. I also wonder if, at times, a current post contradicts a previous one. I have to admit, that generally, I don’t remember what I have written in great detail and I don’t tend to look back at previous posts – I’m worried it will be too painful. In some ways this seems odd to me, as I know it is me who is the protagonist and I know what I am going through, but I guess I just don’t wish to re-live what has gone before – coping with now is enough. It’s like looking in the mirror when I’m upset, I don’t want to do it. So, I write about ‘the now’ but that means it could be the same as it was some days or weeks ago. And, if I fly in the face of what I wrote previously, that is just because of how my life is at the moment. So, I hope you will forgive me.