Gratitude

Today it is eight months since B died... Two thirds of a year… It no longer feels like a blink of an eye. It feels like an eon...

I was feeling quite positive this morning. The sun was shining, I had a list in my head of things I was going to do, and then I went to my computer and found that I had no internet. I tried to re-establish a connection; my phone was working; my hub was working; I tried to look (and understand!) how to re-connect my computer. It took me a while to realise that actually the internet is down and that it’s actually an external fault. What it made me realise, though, was how quickly I still get stressed, and when I’m stressed it just plummets me back into, for a better way of putting it, ‘grief mode’. The complexion of the day just changes.

Anyway, before all this happened, I thought I would list all the things I am grateful for. When I can, at the end of each day, I record things I am grateful for within that day. If I can’t manage that, I’ll list the positives. Occasionally, it’s not possible to do that either, but there’s usually something good to find, even if it’s just a tiny thing. 

It’s going to be a bit harder now, as I’m not feeling so positive and it will, therefore, provoke more emotion, but here goes, some of the bigger things I am grateful for:

• B and our life together, and all the time we shared
• All the good memories I have
• My diaries, which remind me of events I had forgotten about, and some of those little everyday things that, otherwise, would be lost
• All the photos I have of B
• That I was able to care for B at home, and was with him when he died
• That he was peaceful on his last day and that I was able to spend time with him
• For the nursing team who visited three times on B’s penultimate day to make him comfortable
• The lovely Marie Curie nurses who visited to verify his death and lay him out
• That I was able to spend time with B after he died
• The support I’ve received from my family and friends – even the little things (still) make a big difference
• Those that understand that it’s still early days…
• Those that have invited me to stay with them, do something with them, or who have come to visit me
• That, on the whole, nobody has come out with unhelpful platitudes
• The sun!
• Nature, and being able to walk around my local park and other places
• That I am able to go and be at church (however hard it is being there)
• Books, which can place me in a different world for a little while
• Art, and that I have access to a wide variety of exhibitions, which, again, take me to a different place for a time
• That I can now listen to (cheerful) music
• That I have a comfortable home and am in a sound financial position
• That the roof and window work is now completed, and for all the pleasant workers who carried out the work