Gratitude

-

Today it is eight months since B died... Two thirds of a year… It no longer feels like a blink of an eye. It feels like an eon...

I was feeling quite positive this morning. The sun was shining, I had a list in my head of things I was going to do, and then I went to my computer and found that I had no internet. I tried to re-establish a connection; my phone was working; my hub was working; I tried to look (and understand!) how to re-connect my computer. It took me a while to realise that actually the internet is down and that it’s actually an external fault. What it made me realise, though, was how quickly I still get stressed, and when I’m stressed it just plummets me back into, for a better way of putting it, ‘grief mode’. The complexion of the day just changes.

Anyway, before all this happened, I thought I would list all the things I am grateful for. When I can, at the end of each day, I record things I am grateful for within that day. If I can’t manage that, I’ll list the positives. Occasionally, it’s not possible to do that either, but there’s usually something good to find, even if it’s just a tiny thing. 

It’s going to be a bit harder now, as I’m not feeling so positive and it will, therefore, provoke more emotion, but here goes, some of the bigger things I am grateful for:

• B and our life together, and all the time we shared
• All the good memories I have
• My diaries, which remind me of events I had forgotten about, and some of those little everyday things that, otherwise, would be lost
• All the photos I have of B
• That I was able to care for B at home, and was with him when he died
• That he was peaceful on his last day and that I was able to spend time with him
• For the nursing team who visited three times on B’s penultimate day to make him comfortable
• The lovely Marie Curie nurses who visited to verify his death and lay him out
• That I was able to spend time with B after he died
• The support I’ve received from my family and friends – even the little things (still) make a big difference
• Those that understand that it’s still early days…
• Those that have invited me to stay with them, do something with them, or who have come to visit me
• That, on the whole, nobody has come out with unhelpful platitudes
• The sun!
• Nature, and being able to walk around my local park and other places
• That I am able to go and be at church (however hard it is being there)
• Books, which can place me in a different world for a little while
• Art, and that I have access to a wide variety of exhibitions, which, again, take me to a different place for a time
• That I can now listen to (cheerful) music
• That I have a comfortable home and am in a sound financial position
• That the roof and window work is now completed, and for all the pleasant workers who carried out the work

Comments

Post a Comment

Thank you for your message. Please be aware that I may not be able to respond.

Popular posts from this blog

Three and a half years - layers of grief

-
A lot has happened since my previous post. Sadly, B’s sister died unexpectedly in April and exactly a week later her husband died after a long illness. In June my Mum died, after a long period of physical incapacity. And then a cousin, whom I rarely saw but was fond of, also died. More grief, but different grief… I’m not sure I’ve processed my Mum’s death yet. For her, her death was a blessing. She had been bed-bound for some years with her quality of life slowly deteriorating, and so in some ways it was a relief for all of us. I know, though, that when I feel at my saddest I am also aware of the absence of B’s comforting presence. This then this makes me feel more sad, confused and guilty… should I still be grieving for him when I should be grieving for my Mum? But I reassure myself, rightly or wrongly, that it’s alright to feel what I am feeling… Of course, my sister-in-law and brother-in-laws’ deaths were so much harder for my nieces than for me, and I was glad to be able to support...
Read more

My story

-
 A while ago, our Church Secretary, a reader of The Grieving Jester, asked if I would tell my story at my church and a couple of Sundays ago I did so. I was very nervous, and there had been several questions going around my head: will people really want to hear this stuff? Am I going to bore them or upset them? Is it appropriate? Am I going to be able to do this? But, one of the reasons I started my blog in the first place was to talk about this stuff and get it into the open, so how could I refuse? Well, actually it was fine and I received several appreciative comments afterwards. I did wonder whether I should post it here, it feels quite exposing, but in for a penny… In essence, it’s a summary of all, or most of, what I’ve written over the last three plus years, but also referencing my faith. So, here it is: “For those that don’t know me, I have been coming to Bloomsbury (my church) since I started my nursing training, and I spent the majority of my career working in the field of...
Read more

Three years and moving forward

-
B and I were married for just over twenty-four years, and were ‘an item’ for several years before that. In many ways we were opposites, but we complemented each other. Above all, we were each other’s best friend. We fitted together and we were happy together. And now I am on my own, and today is the third anniversary of B’s death. So how am I? What have I learnt? Well, it’s good I didn’t know how hard it was going to be without him, but I know that the pain of his loss is the price for the happiness we found in each other. Would I do it all again? Of course, I would! I now know that grief is about learning to bear the unbearable, but I also know that I can do the impossible, I can bear the unbearable! I didn’t have a choice, B didn’t choose to die, but I did have a choice about how I dealt with his absence. I chose to look squarely into the face of darkness, to learn to live with the abyss that appeared in my life. I could have shut it all out but I knew that, ultimately, that would ha...
Read more