Real or unreal?

I have been wondering about this ‘real’ versus ‘unreal’ thing, trying to get my mind around it. When B was alive, obviously, he was very real to me. Now he is dead he is no longer real, i.e. he no longer exists, though he feels both real and unreal to me. If I was observing me from the outside, it all seems very obvious: what was real is now no longer real, it is in the past. It would be easy if I could just put it (such a little word for everything it means) all behind me and start afresh but, of course, I can’t (and this must be why we don’t understand grief until we go through it ourselves; I certainly didn’t). I carry B and all that we had, and were, together, within me. He remains a part of me, and he is still a reality for me, albeit in a different way. My grief is an expression of my new reality, as I recognise and acknowledge what I have lost. The hard thing is, though, although I have lots of happy memories of B and our time together, our reality is no more. I no longer hear him in the shower, or making a drink, or calling me, or moving about in the next room, or going up and down the stairs, or humming, or snoring(!); and I never will again. So, I have lost B and yet not lost him. My grief is my new relationship with him. The strange thing is, is that my head knows that he no longer exists, whereas my heart knows he exists within me. Conversely, though, my head knows I will always carry him with me, but to my heart he feels unreal, as I have lost him. Then, to top it all, it feels easier, less painful, when he feels less real, receding a little into the past, and yet I don’t want that to happen despite the reality of his loss being so hard to bear. No wonder I’m confused! I know my grief will become softer and blurry with time, that B and what we had will become less real, but at the moment I just have to cling on to all that was real for as long as I can, despite the pain. I know this will change but, for now, that is how it is.

On a practical level, as I think I’ve said before, remembering good times really helps, as does looking at photographs of him and us together, and talking about him. All these things ‘keep him alive’ to me, keep him real. Sometimes they make me feel happy and sometimes they make me feel sad, but both are okay. I’ve learnt, though, that sometimes I have to distract myself from the sadness, but when I feel low that can be hard to do. One thing, perhaps the biggest thing, that always helps is being with other people (and I’m really grateful to all my friends who take time to spend time with me), but that isn’t always easy to do, so I have drawn up and printed out a list of other things to do when I feel low. Hopefully, I will take notice of it!