Signs

Do you believe in signs? I would definitely say that I don’t, and yet the other day I found myself thinking, “if only I could have a sign, just to know you still ‘are’, that I know you still care for me”. My brain tells me just how illogical this is, B is dead, but I guess my heart just wants to seek out even a tiny part of what it is missing.

I feel rather wary writing this here, but I promised myself that I would be honest. There have been a few instances when I have had similar thoughts. One was the sighting of the solar eclipse (see 12^th June). Another is the day I found a piece of confetti lying on the floor of the spare bedroom, where B used to sit in the mornings after he became ill. Then recently there have been two other instances. The first was when an ornament just fell off the bureau for no apparent reason! Even the friend that I was with said it was bizarre. Admittedly, I had moved it that morning and put it on a couple of coasters, simply to get the coasters out of the way, and the most logical explanation is that I hadn’t put it down flat and that it just (very, very slowly!) slipped off. But a little part of me did think, was it B? My brain told me to stop being so stupid, but nevertheless I thought the thought! The other was a couple of days later when I noticed a red rose bud coming through the fence from our neighbour’s garden. Until it flowered, I didn’t think much of it, but then thoughts started to pop into my mind: it’s September, that rose doesn’t usually flower at this time of year; it came out on the 14^th (the date we got married); ‘My love is like a red, red rose…’; I put red roses on B’s coffin. My brain still says these are just coincidences, and so forth, but, apart from the ornament, they have given me a little spark of joy. In a sense it doesn’t matter whether they are, or aren’t signs, as they made me think of B in a positive way.

Interestingly, I hadn’t done any reading about grief recently, but yesterday I picked up my grief journal (‘How to Carry What Can’t be Fixed – a Journal for Grief’, 2021, by Megan Devine), which I have been working through, and what should the next section be on, but ‘signs and synchronicities’. It stated how, generally, most people have a similar story but, generally, we don’t talk about this stuff as we don’t want to be seen as wacky or neurotic (precisely!). What Devine says, though, is “Whether these ‘too precise to be random’ things are simply our brains making connections – which is completely cool in and of itself – or they hint at some larger mystery beyond what we see doesn’t matter. What matters is the comfort or connection you draw from them.” My brain will continue to dispute the fact that the things I’ve experienced are signs, but nevertheless my heart still wonders, and perhaps that is alright. If nothing else, these synchronicities made me feel better, and knowing that others experience the same helps.