Some days are just bad...

Yesterday, despite having had the best night’s sleep since B died, I had what felt like a truly awful day. There was no particular reason for it, but all I wanted to do was cry. I went to church and cried. I tried to stop myself, but couldn’t. I hated myself for doing it, and I kept thinking ‘this is ridiculous, pull yourself together; why are you doing this; don’t let people see you like this; I thought you’d got over this; people aren’t going to know what to do with you; you just remind them of death; what’s wrong with that, we all have to die; they’ll think you’re a right mess, well you are a mess, I can understand why they might wish to avoid me, you're like a little black cloud; etc.,etc.’ but I couldn’t stop. I tried to distract myself but it didn’t really work. Eventually, I managed to pull myself together, chatted with some friends, had a nice lunch out, but once I got home the floodgates opened again. It was like being sucked back into a black hole. I guess sometimes I just still need to cry, but I wish I didn’t! And, nowadays I would prefer to do it on my own, when I do need to! Time does make a difference in that respect – I didn’t mind showing my vulnerability earlier on, but I find it harder now. I judge myself. Grief is so strange, I don’t want to be like this, and yet I am, and the pain continues. The only thing I really want is to have B back and yet that’s the one thing I can’t have… I remind myself that eight months is a small proportion of the twenty-four plus years we were together, but that doesn’t really help. I just miss him so much. 

The day did improve. I looked at my list of ‘what to do when you’re feeling down’ and set out to create a collage. I didn’t collage, but I played with paint and I did feel a bit better afterwards. They're not pretty, but it released something.

And for the first time since B died, I felt the need to comfort eat, so I went to the shop to buy some bread (and, of course, came back with other things as well) and for my supper I had bread and marmalade, followed by a chocolate éclair!! Not something to do very often, but it helped, and by the evening I was feeling more myself again. 

For a while, all I could see was an empty future, again, but now I’m still sad but more positive. I guess it just hits me now and again…