Upon reaching a plateau...

Well, since I last wrote, I’ve had some good times and some not so good times. I thought I was past sobbing my heart out but, no, it happened again a couple of Sundays ago. I knew it was a bad day when I got up, and I was tempted not to go to church but I made myself go, thinking it would be better to be with others rather than moping around at home. This time, though, instead of the grief levels subsiding they just spilled over. Not how I want to be in public! I am so grateful to the friends that just give me a hug, let me grieve, and tell me I don’t need to apologise.

After that it got a bit better. I went away for a few days, and it was good. I felt happy, and I didn’t feel guilty about feeling happy! I was staying with friends who looked after me – they fed me, took me on outings, chatted, let me talk about B and, basically, kept me occupied. They were also very tolerant of my poor sleep pattern and the many yawns I kept exhibiting. We even had some sun! Obviously, I thought about B, but I had other things to think about as well and I was able to enjoy myself. The down side, of course, was coming home to an empty house with no one to tell about the good time I’d had, but I picked up again after a day or too.

Now, a switch seems to have flipped and, somehow, life feels a little easier, although I don’t know why and I’m waiting to see if I get hit in the face again. I still have ups and downs, but they are less dramatic. Thankfully, this state is less enervating than the raw grief, but it does make me question whether I am ‘getting over’ B. Of course, I know I’m not, I’m just getting more used to him not being here, and more used to carrying my grief. It does help that I’m feeling less stressed, as I now have a date for my new windows and front door to be fitted, and the roof repairs seem to be getting closer. This makes a big difference. So now, it feels, to some extent, as though I am living in a kind of limbo, a sort of monochrome in-between stage (don’t ask me what this means, it’s just what it feels like!). But, I’m able to play music now, and I’m looking at photos of B less, and the big photos mentioned previously haven’t gone back up, although there are still plenty of others around the house. I have also removed posts about grief from my Facebook page. Initially, I found them very helpful and supportive, knowing I wasn’t the only one experiencing what I was going through, and knowing my thoughts and feelings were normal, but recently I was beginning to wonder whether they were starting to have the opposite effect and pull me down. It’s a fine balance.

I have also started to think about some groups that I could join, both as a way to keep me occupied and as a good way to meet new people. I did contact a walking club, in fact, the same one that I belonged to over twenty years ago – it’s still going, so it must be good! I had planned to join them on the Bank Holiday but, I have to admit, I chickened out. Partly for a good reason, as I needed to cut back my rambling rose so that it doesn’t scratch the scaffolders to bits when they start work. If I’m honest though, I couldn’t quite face meeting a group of new people and telling or not telling them about myself. I will join them, but this just wasn’t the right time. I have also found a choir that I might consider joining, but this will take a bit more nerve. I’ve come to realise that there are some firsts that I hadn’t anticipated still to come, and that I am going to have to summon up some courage to take on new things. As I write this, I’m aware it sounds strange (there’s that word again!), but it’s different now as, in some contexts at least, my identity has changed… I’m a different me.

I’m wondering if this limbo is how it’s going to be for a while, or whether I will return to the rollercoaster of emotions, or whether it’s going to change to something else. In some ways it feels as though I am being lulled into a false sense of reality and that I may fall off this plateau at any moment. Of course, I’m aware that it’s still early days and that I still need time to allow myself to grieve but, at the moment at least, it does feel as though I am beginning to take baby steps and that I’m starting to move forward with my life. Mind you, I’m trying to keep the guilt at bay – how can I possibly feel even a little less sad when B meant so much to me?!  But, hopefully, at some point there may be some glimpses of colour in my life and perhaps they will remain a bit longer each time…

I have to say, I’m not sure all this makes sense to me, so if it doesn’t make sense to you I quite understand!