Autumn and Winter

I am not a winter person, and I have started to dread the darker evenings. Not because they are dark, but because, even now, the shorter days are making me think about those days when B was ill, and I’m realising that I associate those short, dark days with his illness and the end of his life. So, I am trying to make sure that I have things to occupy me through the winter months, and I am trying not to think too much about those dates coming up, what would have been our silver wedding anniversary, Christmas, and the anniversary of B’s death.

B was hot-bodied, whereas I feel the cold. In bed in the winter, B would only want a light quilt over him, whereas I would need the quilt plus a couple of blankets or fleeces. The heat would radiate off him, whereas I could have the thickest of nighties on, plus woolly socks, and still feel cold. When I had cold feet, which wasn’t infrequently, he would let me warm them up on him, mostly uncomplainingly. It would, though, sometimes shock him just how cold they were! I have already noticed that the bed feels cold without B, and the nights aren’t really cold yet.

At some stage we acquired a double-thickness duvet i.e. two double duvets that snapped together to make one, so they could be used together or singly; one was 4.5 togs, the other 10.5 togs. Well, on the rare winter nights when I did manage to get a duvet onto the bed it was only ever the 4.5 tog one, and B would be too warm, whereas I would still need an additional blanket. Anyway, yesterday morning when I made the bed, I put on the 10.5 tog duvet. I felt guilty even thinking it, but this is one advantage of B not being here! Of course, being able to snuggle up under the duvet doesn’t take away the fact that there’s no heat, apart from mine, coming from under the covers, but at least I shall be warmer. I wonder if I’ll get to join the two duvets up… B would laugh.