Diaries and dates

Since my last post (now corrected), where I originally stated that it was eleven months since B died, when it was actually ten, I have been wondering how I could have made such a big mistake. Perhaps, I just counted wrong but actually I didn’t count at all, as in my head I was convinced it was eleven months! When I did eventually realise that I had got it wrong, I did actually wonder whether I was going mad! 

For better or worse, I do tend to remember dates, so I think the probable reason for my mistake is that, as we move towards December, I am aware of several big dates looming. These dates are a little way away, but some of them already feel quite monumental and, perhaps, because of that, nearer than they actually are. If I could, I would try to forget most of them or, failing that, go away and hibernate.

14^th December - what would have been our silver wedding anniversary
22^nd December - 11 months (!) since B died
25^th December - Christmas
26^th December - the day we ‘moved’ downstairs as B could no longer manage the stairs
31^st December & 1^st January - New Year's Eve and Day
16^th January - the day I lost the ‘real’ B, as he became confused
22^nd January - the day B died
18^th February - the day of B’s Service of Committal
20^th February - the day of the Service of Thanksgiving for B
1^st April / Maundy Thursday - the scattering of B’s ashes

Of course, it’s not the dates themselves that are upsetting but rather all the memories, ‘what ifs’, and feelings they evoke. I know that some of them will disappear from my mind in due course, although some will always be with me. I won’t always remember, or at least I hope I won’t, the 22^nd of each month, but for the first year I couldn’t avoid them. I won’t always link Boxing day, or the 16^th January or, hopefully, the dates in February and March / April with B, but at this point this year they are all just sitting there, looming ahead of me. Days to be got through. The anticipation will probably (hopefully?) be worse than the days themselves, but even in this way they still take their toll. So, I shall try to find ways to mark the bigger ones, and just reflect upon the ‘smaller’ ones and hopefully come out the other side with some degree of equanimity and gratitude.

So, who knows why I made the mistake I did in my last post, but this seems the most likely explanation. I’m just surprised that it took me so long to realise. It some ways, I wish it was eleven months, just that little bit nearer to being past all those dates, but there it is.

Each night I write in my 5-year diary and, usually, I take pleasure in reading what I did the previous years on the same day, written above current day. This year, I have stopped doing this as I am now at the point where the two years above just document B’s illness and various treatments. It is hard not to read them, but it is even harder to do so, so I persuade myself not to do it.

So, at the moment, it does feel as though I am regressing somewhat, and that there are dark days ahead with all these ‘firsts’ soon to appear, but I hope I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I have reached the other side.