Perhaps...

 A couple of times recently I have found myself singing in the shower, I haven’t done this since B died. It wasn’t a deliberate decision not to do so, it was just one of those things that disappeared with him. Now it’s back, and that makes me happy. I have also noticed that, over the last ten days or so, I have been crying much less, and there have been several consecutive days when I haven’t cried at all. Don’t misunderstand me, previous to this I wasn’t going around crying all the time, but it was unusual not to have had at least a few seconds / minutes crying each day. I recently stayed with my family for a few days, which was good and an obvious distraction, but even on days before and after that at home it has been the same. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, I have had a variety of feelings about this. I’m happy the misery is less, but I wonder what has changed. It makes me worry that B is getting further away from me, which of course he is, when I don’t want to lose him. It feels as though I have reached another plateau, and in a strange way life feels greyer again as the extremes of feelings no longer seem to be present. (Yes, I know, I’ve been here, or somewhere similar, before!) Perhaps, I’m just getting used to that undercurrent of sadness being there and so I react to it less. Or perhaps, and this is what I hope may be happening, I am just a little bit more able to think of our life together with happiness and gratitude, rather than sadness. There are, however, some significant events coming up over the next weeks and months, which I am not particularly looking forward to and so it will be interesting to see if this plateau remains.

I was expecting to attend two memorial services this month, for two friends who died during the pandemic. I wasn’t particularly close to either person but, even so, I was worried that the services could be triggers for my own grief, reminding me of my own loss and reinforcing the pain of grieving for B. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was that, this week, I would also be attending the funeral and Service of Thanksgiving for the dear friend who died a few weeks ago. I know that this will be hard, but I can’t not go. Perhaps it will be easier than I imagine…

The evening before this funeral, I have a group of friends coming around for a social evening. B and I used to host a Home Group, where we would discuss topical issues of the day. So, this is re-starting and I’ve offered to host it again. The first one will be a party, but this will be the first time I have entertained since B died. I am looking forward to it, but I’m also aware that it’s going to be different without him around, helping me get ready for it, making sure people feel at home, monitoring their drinks, clearing up afterwards, etc. I had thought I was through most of my ‘firsts’, but some still appear. I’m not even sure why these firsts are so difficult, except they just trigger all those memories of previous times. I suppose they just become more ‘normal’ the second and third times around, but it really hit home again when a friend announced, “it’s at Jackie’s”, rather than “it’s at Jackie and B’s”.  Such a little thing, and yet so huge. My stomach lurched when he said it.

Being a Baptist, apart from obvious dates like Good Friday, Easter and Christmas, and so forth, other liturgical days tend to pass me by. So, although I had signed up to join a Service of Reflection on Tuesday, it hadn’t dawned on me, until an Anglican friend of mine pointed it out, that Tuesday is, in fact, All Souls’ Day. Somehow, although I’m sure this date was chosen deliberately, it makes it all the more poignant. Anyway, I shall join the service and light my candle in honour /memory of B. 

So, perhaps, probably, there will be more tears to come, but perhaps it’s getting a little easier… This quote, which I came across this week, sums it up: “Sometimes grief is a friend you wish you didn’t know but that you have to spend time with because love brought them along to the party, and the party was worth it” (Nanea Hoffman). So, it’s a bit like the funeral of my friend, it will be hard but I can’t not be there. Similarly, I don’t want to be grieving and feeling like this, but I can’t not grieve as, in a strange way, it’s also a celebration of all B and I had together.