A disturbing thought...

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Tuesday night I had just turned my light out and was lying in bed when suddenly the thought, ‘I don’t want to be on my own’ jumped into my mind! This wasn’t an ‘I miss B’ moment, and it felt completely shocking! I felt so guilty, and my head was whirring: it’s not even a year since B has died; how can I even think this; it doesn’t mean I love him less; I’m an introvert, I’m okay on my own; B and I were happy, why would I want to find someone else?; others have done it; how?; it would be so complex and scary – starting from the beginning, getting to know someone; the house, what about the house? (B is a part of it)!; and so on. It really disturbed me. It seemed so bad; so bad that I nearly didn’t write / post this, but I did promise myself that I would be honest. I turned the light back on and read, for two hours!

B would be okay with it, after all, I was his second wife, and he would want me to be happy. I guess that because I’ve been happy once, I want it again, but at the moment it seems too difficult to comprehend…

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