A positive thought - the last week (again!)

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All those readers that have travelled with me since the beginning of my blog will be aware that I found the last week of B’s life very difficult. He was confused and agitated, I was stressed, and the support I needed was slow in arriving, and it took me a (long) while to come to terms with it. In the end, I realised that it was good enough. I did my best. B was where he wanted to be and his last day was comfortable and peaceful.

This week, I seem to have been getting, what appear to be, random thoughts popping into my head when I turn my light out at night. Wednesday night it was a positive thought. It suddenly came to me: I should be proud that, despite all the extenuating circumstances, I was able to fulfil B’s wishes and that he was able to die at home. I don’t often feel proud of myself, as pride is something that doesn’t really sit well with me, but on this occasion, I thought, ‘yes’! Caring for B in that last week was extremely hard, to say the least, but I did my best for him. He was able to die at home in peace and comfort, with me present. It could easily have been different, so I feel proud that I was able to make this happen. It was my last gift to him.

Of course, then the questions appear: am I just re-framing it all to make myself feel better? Did I really do my best? But, I know I did. I might have wanted it to be different, but I did my best. Perhaps, I am re-framing it, but that just means I’ve reached a place where I can set it down and be at peace with it. I had previously worked through it all and reconciled myself to it, but now I feel better about it all. It’s taken me nearly a year, but I’ve got there!

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