Christmas

 Well, to say Christmas has been different this year, is an understatement…

Receiving Christmas cards was a bit of a minefield. Firstly, because they were all addressed only to me. Clearly, this is obvious, but it was the first time that receiving letters addressed just to me has felt irksome. I suppose it was the volume and the fact that most were handwritten – they emphasised B’s absence and that I am on my own. Secondly, and I’ll risk being honest here, before I opened each one, I wondered what message this particular card would bring – ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Wishing you a Happy Christmas’? Don’t get me wrong, I was pleased to receive all the good wishes, but part of me sometimes wanted to yell, ‘don’t you understand that Christmas won’t be the same’, or ‘how am I possibly going to have a merry Christmas without B?!’ I was grateful for those that said things like ‘Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year’, ‘wishing you peace’ or ‘thinking of you this Christmas’, they seemed easier to receive. The cards that meant the most were the ones that acknowledged that Christmas was likely to be hard with B no longer around. I hope I don’t sound too judgemental, as I am grateful for all the cards and messages I received, some just seemed to ‘meet me’ where I was. I was also grateful to those friends of B’s who I don’t know that well but who had, nevertheless, thought of me and sent a card with their best wishes.

Anyway, the plan for Christmas was that I would stay with my sister for a week and that we would have Christmas day, as well as other time, with our Mum and Dad. She and I duly did our lateral flow tests, all negative, so it came as a bit of a shock a few hours after I arrived when she received a positive lateral flow test! I couldn’t face driving back the same day so we made the decision that I would stay until Boxing Day. Windows were opened and we sat two metres apart, although it is actually difficult to stay completely socially distanced in a small-ish flat. The most frustrating element of this was, of course, that we were unable to spend Christmas day with my parents, the risk of infection just being too great. The best laid plans… I wasn’t particularly looking forward to Christmas, as I knew I would miss B, but this was an unexpected blow, although, to some extent, it did help to distract me! Now home, I’m waiting to see if I have succumbed to the virus. 

Ordinarily, for me, Christmas really starts with the King’s College Carol Service, at 3 o’clock on Christmas Eve. If things had gone as planned, I probably would have listened to it at my parents, as it’s not my sister’s cup-of-tea. Probably to her relief (!), I realised, though, that I couldn’t listen to it this year. It wasn’t so much the fact that B and I would listen to it together, but rather that I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with the music. So, instead, we watched the film ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. 

It’s the music, always the music!! There is just something about music that can hit me in the gut! One day a song can be fine, the next day not, and it’s generally not obvious why! Before Christmas, I put on one of my favourite pieces of Christmas music, Benjamin Britten’s ‘Ceremony of Carols’. I was enjoying singing along to it until it came to my favourite part, ‘This Little Babe’. Down the tears came – I have no idea why! B knew I liked this music and that I would sing along with it, but it has no other associations with him. Perhaps, it just felt wrong to enjoy it. I don’t know. So, it’s a bit like Carol Services and hymns, what was a meaningful / enjoyable piece of music suddenly becomes a great big stumbling block. Music (any music?) seems to have the ability to change my mood at the flick of a switch, usually for the worst, for no apparent reason, and often unexpectedly. And I don’t like it! The next challenge (it’s funny how something once pleasurable turns into a challenge!) will be the New Year’s Day concert from the Musikverein in Vienna, something B and I always listened to / watched. I have very happy memories of being in that magnificent concert hall with B, attending Maurizio Pollini’s last concert before he retired (there were five encores!), but of course this adds another level of poignancy. 

I was a bit tearful on Christmas morning, feeling B’s absence, but that did pass. I wore my locket, a pair of B’s Christmas socks and a special apron and, safe to say, a Buck’s Fizz, opening presents, and cooking dinner are good distractions! There were some ambushes, for example, the Queen’s speech, when she, understandably, spoke about how Christmas can be hard for those who have lost loved ones this year. Another, that ‘got’ me twice (!), was ‘Auld Lang Syne’! I had forgotten that this is what they sing around the Christmas tree in the final scene of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, and then it reappeared on Christmas day, when we watched ‘All Creatures Great and Small’, ggrrrhhh! B was Scottish, and he was always very particular about when arms should, and shouldn’t be, crossed whilst singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’, and this together with its nod to endings and beginnings, just emphasised his absence. Despite all this, though, my sister and I had a nice, if low-key, Christmas day. So, although it would be an understatement to say that I missed B, within all the constraints there was still some joy and some light to be found, and that’s what B would have wanted for me. 

What was really lovely, were the messages I received from several friends on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, just letting me know that they were thinking of me, and letting me know that they knew it might be tough, saying things like ‘thinking of you and sending love’, or ‘you’ll be in my prayers’, or the ‘Happy Christmas’ but with three exclamation marks after it. I am grateful that I have so many good friends.

And, coming home felt okay, too. The house was cold, but it felt like home, even without B. We made it into a home together and one that we shared for nearly all our married life. I can’t say I feel his presence, but I realised that the house is part of him, even if he is no longer part of the house...