The Grieving Jester

 I was hoping that I would be on more of an even keel this past week, but it seems that The Jester has other plans. At times it has felt easier, but then I can feel myself becoming engulfed in grief again and, as is often the case, for no obvious reason. I have had some good days when I’ve thought that I’ve reached a state of equilibrium, but then the next day my grief is bashing me around the head again. I do check myself to make sure I’m not depressed, and I’m not, but I just feel sad and bereft, missing B. Valentine’s Day passed uneventfully and, on the whole, it didn’t bother me. I did have a couple of pangs when I saw various couples on the tube with red roses but I was able to think how nice it was for them to have each other. Generally, B & I weren’t great ones for celebrating Valentine’s day. We would exchange cards and sometimes B would buy me flowers or chocolates, but we didn’t usually go out for a special evening, feeling everywhere would be crowded and prices possi...

B occasionally used to say to me that I was a glass half-empty person, and I would reply that I was a realist! In fact, we could both be glass half-empty or glass half-full people depending on the context, and I would sometimes tease him, as well. Anyway, one of the things that popped up on my Facebook page last week was a free seven-day programme on positivity. It’s fascinating what seems to randomly appear! Anyway, I thought I would give it a go as, over the past week or so, it has felt as though I have been stuck in the doldrums. Nothing too dramatic, but I just seem to have gone backwards rather than forwards after that pesky anniversary. Perhaps, I thought, the course might help me feel more positive and, anyway, what was there to lose? So, I joined up and it was interesting and there were some helpful tips but, of course, I soon realised that it wasn’t going to make me feel less sad. I think it was just wishful thinking on my part and, if I’m honest, I didn’t expect it to, but it...

It’s me again, my author’s grief. Believe it or not, I am now over a year old. My author had almost got used to me being around, was almost starting to see me as a friend, so I thought it was time to shake things up a bit. I think she’s already told you that she has found me difficult since the anniversary of B’s death. She wasn’t expecting that, but I had to remind her that I am still here and that I’m going to be around for a while yet. I think she thought that the anniversary might be a magical turning point, but I don’t work like that. She has to do the work; she has to live with me and she has to interact with me for however long it takes. I notice that she has been wondering if she could control me a bit better (she’s always been a bit of a control freak!), if she could perhaps put her sad feelings in a box and just let them out when she wanted to, maybe just in the shower in the morning, or perhaps just on Mondays or, even better, just on some significant dates. Obviously, she d...

Somewhat surprisingly, at least for me, the anniversary of B’s death has felt the hardest significant date that I have had to face and recover from. On the whole, the actual day was a good day. I went to the crematorium in the morning and laid three roses on the site where his ashes were scattered, and then walked around the gardens. The gardens are beautiful, and there is such a sense of peace there. I then joined with some friends and we followed B’s last ‘proper’ walk (as opposed to the very short walks we did locally when he was unwell). We ended in a pub, had a lovely meal, and raised a glass to him. I am very grateful for the friends who came with me - it would have been a harder day without them. In the evening, I watched the Thanksgiving Service for B’s life, and it was easier than I thought it might have been as it brought back many happy memories, although I did have a good cry towards the end.  I’ve already written about the anticipation of the anniversary, so I won’t re...