A little black cloud

 I was hoping that I would be on more of an even keel this past week, but it seems that The Jester has other plans. At times it has felt easier, but then I can feel myself becoming engulfed in grief again and, as is often the case, for no obvious reason. I have had some good days when I’ve thought that I’ve reached a state of equilibrium, but then the next day my grief is bashing me around the head again. I do check myself to make sure I’m not depressed, and I’m not, but I just feel sad and bereft, missing B.

Valentine’s Day passed uneventfully and, on the whole, it didn’t bother me. I did have a couple of pangs when I saw various couples on the tube with red roses but I was able to think how nice it was for them to have each other. Generally, B & I weren’t great ones for celebrating Valentine’s day. We would exchange cards and sometimes B would buy me flowers or chocolates, but we didn’t usually go out for a special evening, feeling everywhere would be crowded and prices possibly hiked up. This sounds very unromantic, but B could be romantic and we did share romantic meals, just not on Valentine’s Day! Then there have also been the anniversaries of both the Committal Service and the Service of Thanksgiving but, again, these weren’t particularly poignant. In fact, I didn’t even register about the latter until the evening. So, on the plus side, these things haven’t been triggers for my grief or made it worse, but on the other hand I just haven’t been able to get back to where I was before the anniversary of B’s death.  

I have to be honest, a little part of myself whispers ‘I wish people understood what it’s like’. When someone asks me how I am, depending who it is, I might be honest and say “I have been finding it hard since the anniversary but I’m okay”, or I might just say “I’m okay”. And I am okay, at least on one level, but underneath it all it is still hard, and it gets harder to say this as time goes on. I know this is more about my inner critic than anything else, but I’m afraid that others might start to judge me (after all this time!!) and I don’t want to be that little black cloud lurking in the corner.

Probably, the main issue at the moment is that my life still feels barren or lonely. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t empty, I am doing quite a bit, but life without B seems perfunctory or lacking in meaning. The thought that popped into my head the other day was ‘I don’t know how to live my life’. So, I guess it’s all about that ‘P’ word again, finding purpose, or maybe I don’t have to find it, perhaps it will find me, but it does seem easier said than done!

On a positive note, since my last blog post I have been able to grasp the quintessential B again, at least some of the time, so that is a blessing.