Dates and holidays

As I’m sure you noticed, Friday was 1st April. This date is noteworthy for a few reasons. Firstly, obviously, it’s April Fool’s Day. Secondly, at the beginning of any month, B and I always used to have a little competition to see which one of us could catch the other first to say, “pinch, punch, first day of the month”. I miss this! Last, but not least, 1st April last year was when B’s ashes were scattered. I knew this date was coming up, and had pondered a little about it as I wondered whether it would seem wrong to go to a party in the evening (I decided it wasn’t). In the end, though, suffice it to say, I forgot all about it until I got into bed early the next morning! I felt a little guilty, but I decided that B would be pleased that I had had a good day, and wouldn’t have minded that I forgot. This also made me realise, though, that I no longer think about the 22nd day of each month (the date B died) as they pass by. Since the anniversary of his death these have just slipped by unnoticed. In some ways, I am surprised this has happened, as they just jumped out at me every month prior to this, but I am also grateful that this is no longer the case. Some things do get easier as time passes.

I was ambushed on Sunday, though. I was in church and I happened to place my hands each side of me on the pew. Nothing strange there, but this was the position B would often sit in. Suddenly I had a ‘vision’ of his hand next to mine on the pew. Grrrhhhh! It came out of the blue, so unexpectedly, and I was completely done for. Down the tears rolled! So, thank you to those friends who acknowledge and accept my sorrow, and who are just there but don’t make a big issue of it. It does help.

Last week I had a few days away, staying with friends. I had a good time, with good company and lovely scenic walks. Amongst other things, we talked about B and grieving. What was good about this was that this was just a natural part of our conversations, just as talking about the countryside, the weather, meet-ups with mutual friends, houses and gardens, were.  No strain, no pressure, just open, honest conversations between friends that ebbed and flowed. I find that there are few people who are happy to occupy this place with me, but I find it immeasurably helpful and it decreases the sense of loneliness. Why would I not want to talk about this? The worst has happened, talking about it can’t make it any worse and, generally, being with people who don’t want to or aren’t able to talk about B and my grief makes me feel worse rather than better. It was reassuring, as well, when my friend said that she could see I had moved forward. So, thank you, J.

So far, since B died, I have been away for short periods, visiting family or friends, or on one occasion going away with my bubble friends. These have all been good and enjoyable, but I have been wondering what to do about ‘proper’ holidays. It’s rather an understatement to say that I am finding the idea of holidays difficult. I do have a short break booked, with my sister, in Yorkshire for a few nights and I am looking forward to this, but I’m also worried about how I will feel as we will be staying in a hotel where the three of us have stayed before, and where B and I also had a couple of good holidays on our own. There is the risk that being in a place that holds such good memories might make me sad, but equally they might make me feel happy. I won’t know until I get there… We could have gone somewhere new, but then that would probably just emphasise B’s absence, so there’s no easy answer.

There are two main hurdles when thinking about a holiday: the psychological and the practical. On an emotional level, it’s not just about getting used to going on holiday on my own again, I know lots of single people do this, but rather 'the biggie’ is going on holiday without B. Holidays are going to be so different, and to be honest, I’m not really sure what I think about them without him. I do want to still have holidays but it’s just a whole new realm without him.

Then there’s all the practicalities. Generally, B and I preferred holidays, either in this country or abroad, where we visited galleries, gardens, and other cultural sites, but the thought of doing this on my own is rather daunting. Visiting places, however interesting, on one’s own just isn’t the same. Then there’s the issues of travel, language (if abroad), eating on one’s own etc. And, perhaps I shouldn’t say this, but I do think it is easier for a man to negotiate some of this… So, as an alternative, I started to look at river cruises and tours but, conversely, the thought of them makes me feel rather claustrophobic, and I started to feel sick as I scrolled through various options on the computer, so I took that as a sign that these aren’t right for me, at least at the moment. There are lots of all-inclusive holidays, with optional excursions, available but, on the whole, I have a dislike for tours that rush the holiday-makers around a site, pointing out only the famous ‘must-sees’. B and I liked to wander around places without feeling rushed, to soak in the atmosphere and get a ‘feel’ for them (when we were in Turkey, we spent a day-and-a-half at Ephesus, and kept noticing groups who arrived by coach and who were ushered through the site in a couple of hours – we / I would have hated that!). I, also, fear that, at the moment at least, I would find being with the same group of people for any length of time just too intense. B and I only did one tour, to Egypt, and that was good but, somehow, I feel it’s easier being with a group of strangers in a couple. I did / do have the opportunity to visit Palestine and Israel with friends but, at the moment at least, that also feels just a bit too overwhelming.

So, I was then wondering about other types of holidays. I did actually get down to sitting in front of the computer to book a walking holiday (where there are easier avenues of escape!), only to find that the ones I was interested in were already booked up. So that put paid to that. I would like to go on holiday, but all this stuff just seems too much to navigate, so I’ve decided to put it on the back burner for now. I have my holiday in June, and it’s likely that a friend and I will spend a few days in Devon together, so these will keep me going until I feel a bit more resilient.