Poems

Having been at home more recently, I have spent a bit more time on the computer than usual and I came across some poems that I had written. I must admit that I find it surprising that I actually wrote these as, although I like reading poetry, I wouldn’t have expected that writing it would be something I would do. I remember, though, that they just formed in my head, there wasn’t any effort involved. I guess it was just another way for me to express myself; I had to externalise my feelings somehow and, at the time, this seemed a natural way of doing it. Here they are in chronological order (including the one I posted at the anniversary of B’s death), and I think they demonstrate the rollercoaster of emotions that grief causes.

 

One More Day (October 2021)

Today is another day.
Some days I can smile,
Others I shed some tears.
Who knows what today will bring.
 
Today is one more day without you.
One day further away from you.
I feel sad as you disappear a little more into the distance.
 
The rawness is less,
The pain is duller, but the gaping hole is still there,
That underlying ache that just is.
 
Today is one more day without you.
One day further away from you.
And yet I can, sometimes, feel happy, thinking of all we shared.
 

The Hole (December 2021)

There is this gaping hole in my life,
And that hole is you.
You are gone.
It is tempting to throw myself into the darkness,
And yet I know that is not what you would want for me.
 
If only I could leap over this pit,
And reach the other side,
But the hole is too big to jump;
I would fall.
 
Sometimes, standing on the edge, facing the abyss,
It feels as though I am falling, falling…
Everything is so dark and black,
There is no light.
Life whirls on around,
But has little meaning, now.
 
Sometimes, occasionally, there is a little glimpse, a promise of happiness,
And I can see across this pit that is the absence of you,
And know that there will be life ahead.
So, I start to edge around the hole,
But the ground starts to shake and I am propelled backwards,
Back to the misery of missing you.
 
There is a puncture in my life, a gaping hole,
And that hole is you.
 

Bright Skies (December 2021)

The hymn says,
‘Bright skies will soon be o’er me,
Where dark the clouds have been’.
I believe this, but wonder when it will be.
How long does it take, this grief?
 
If my grief is a measure of my love,
Am I going to grieve for thirty years?
Please, God, no!
And yet, I don’t want not to grieve, as that means letting you go.
I’m not ready for that.
 
Except, of course, I know that’s what you would want me to do,
You would want me to live.
You would let me go, so that I can be free.
So, I have to find my way,
Putting one foot in front of the other,
Walking through these dark clouds,
Following the chinks of light until,
One day, the bright skies will reappear.
 
You will always be with me,
And yet I will be at peace, free to live and love.
 

Remembering (January 2022)

I remember and I smile, 
and yet I also shed some tears.
 
Together we were whole, 
now I feel but an empty husk.
 
I celebrate your life,
whilst mourning your death.
 
I celebrate our life together,
and mourn what is no more.
 
I remember all that we shared
and am thankful.
 
I remember us and who we were,
and sometimes I can smile
and sometimes I cry.
 
I am thankful that you lived,
but that makes me miss you more.
 
We loved,
and that love remains. 
 
And that is what I try to carry with me, 
and not the pain.
 

One year (January 2022)

One year,
Twelve whole months,
Three hundred and sixty-five days, and counting.
How can it possibly be so long since you were here?
It is unimaginable, and yet it is true, this strange reality.
Twelve months since you held me,
Twelve months since I heard your voice,
Twelve months of living without you. How is that even possible?
It is unreal, and yet it is true.
I can no longer say “my husband died this year”,
My loss is no longer new,
And yet the heartache remains real.
It is both yesterday and forever since you were here.
I try to be happy when I think of you,
Think of us,
And yet, the happy memories just remind me of your absence.
How long am I going to hurt?
I know it is normal; there is no time limit to grief.
I want it to end, but how can I?
If it ends it means I am alright without you,
How can that ever be?
And yet, that is what you would want for me,
Of that I am sure.
So, I try to remember that with a new year comes hope and promise.
And I try to trust in my future,
Although it is unfathomable without you.
I will live, but I will remember.
I will grow, but you will always be a part of me.
How can you not?
I am shaped by you and all we had together.
That will always be ours, and it can never be taken away,
Whatever new joys or tribulations my future holds.
Sometimes, though, this all feels a stretch too far,
So, I continue to trudge on, one foot in front of the other…
 

Reading these poems, I can feel a difference in myself. Slowly, the ability to smile at memories is becoming easier, taking over the need to cry. The sorrow is still there, but it is a little easier to live with. I’m beginning, at least sometimes, to be able to walk around the hole that is my grief, rather than fall into it. Maybe it’s the brighter, longer, sometimes sunny days, but my feeling of hope seems larger. I can, sometimes, now feel those ‘continuing bonds’ that the experts write about. B will always be a part of me, but slowly I hope that I will be able to create my new life…
So, one (last?) poem.

 

No Matter What (fifteen months)

I look back and see how far I have travelled.
How have I waded through this mire?
The pain of losing you is duller,
I am more used to you not being here,
Though I carry you within.
 
The chasm inside remains,
Perhaps, though, it’s a little easier to skirt around without falling in.
I am more able to smile when thinking of you, us,
And I know that’s what you would want.
 
Now, I wonder,
Is it time to remove my rings?
Should I take down some of your photos?
You would say ‘yes’, but my heart still says ‘no’.
 
I look forward and see, what?
It’s still hard to imagine life without you,
To think of my future with hope,
Though I am determined to live the rest of my life to the full.
 
But, I still can’t ‘let go’,
But, perhaps, I don’t need to,
Perhaps, you will do that for me, as you slide further into my past.
You will always be a part of me, though,
No matter what.