Some time away

Recently, I have had two spells away. The first was a few days spent with my family. This was good. Unlike last time, I did have some moments of sadness when things occurred that just reminded me of B, but that’s okay, I’m getting used to those…

The second trip was more of an experiment. I was given the opportunity to meet up with some friends from school. This was a slightly scary as I haven’t seen them for forty years, but in for a penny… As we were going to meet in Suffolk, I decided to also visit a friend whom I haven’t seen since before the pandemic. Well, I thought, if I’m going for two nights I might as well extend it and go for four, and see if I can cope with going away on my own. I booked a hotel where B and I had previously stayed. The advantage of this was that I knew the geography, what the hotel was like, and how it functioned. The downside was that it had the potential to make me sad, remembering the times B and I had spent there. I decided the advantages outweighed the disadvantages, but made sure I wouldn’t be in one of the rooms B and I had stayed in. That would be too hard! I planned what I would do on the two days on my own, primarily visiting gardens that B and I had been to previously. Again, there was always the possibility that visiting them on my own would make me melancholy, but they are beautiful places and I had enjoyed our visits so I decided it was worth the risk.

So, off I went. I enjoyed wandering around the gardens. Yes, I couldn’t help but think of my previous visits with B but, on the whole, those memories felt positive rather than sad. (I find it interesting, as well as frustrating (!), how unpredictable these things are – sometimes happy memories make me smile, sometimes they make me cry. I have failed to discern a pattern, as of yet.) On Friday I spent the day with my friend, which was lovely, though rather exhausting, and the following day I met with my school friends, and even after four decades there was no awkwardness. We caught up a little, laughed over old school photographs, and generally had a good time chatting whilst pottering around Sutton Hoo and Woodbridge. I was grateful when those that knew about B acknowledged his death – that always feels better than folk just ignoring it - and made so many positive comments about my blog. So, thank you for that, you know who you are!

What I have yet to work out is why I suddenly felt tearful when I left my friends. I could have gone on for dinner with them, but declined. I know that when I get tired I am less resilient and I also know that I need to have time on my own to re-charge, so I didn’t want to spoil the lovely day I had had with them by wearing out my emotional reserves. Maybe, it was the effect of suddenly being on my own; perhaps, I had expended more psychological energy than I realised; perhaps, it’s because I couldn’t follow my instinct to tell B about my lovely day. Who knows? Anyway, it soon passed. This is similar, though, to what happened after I was out with my friends on 6^th May (see previous post), but I would just find it helpful if I understood why! Perhaps, I could then guard against these waves of sadness that suddenly hit me, though, perhaps, I just need to let them roll over me, accepting them as part of my grief...

Anyway, all in all, I had a good time away. I was able to enjoy the first two days, as well as the time with my friends. Being more of an introvert, I know that being on my own is sometimes less challenging than being with others, but there was definitely a question mark about this regarding holidays. So, I now have more confidence that I could cope with a short break away on my own (at least in this country) and, what’s more, find pleasure in it. Of course, the lovely weather was a bonus this time, so I am thankful for that!