Yesterday

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 Yesterday I had a really nice day. A lovely walk around Hampstead Heath in gorgeous sunny weather, with all the lovely greens of the foliage and the colours of the various blossoms. Then I was treated to lunch by the friends I was with, and we had one of those relaxing lunches, sitting outside, just chatting and eating, with a glass or two of wine. I felt happy. 

I was undecided whether to get The Tube or a bus home, but as a bus came along I decided to jump on. Perhaps, this was a mistake. I got on, sat down and, as I travelled along, I felt my grief rise and I struggled to keep back the tears. Why? There were no obvious triggers. Perhaps it’s just buses! When I got home, I tried to reflect on this. Was it because of the empty seat next to me? Was it the contrast between having had such a lovely day and then the anticipation of going home on my own to an empty house, when previously times such as these would always have been shared with B. Was it because, on my own, my brain no longer had any distractions (on a train I would have read my book)? Was it because I had had some wine? I don’t know, and I find this frustrating. How can I go from feeling so happy to so sad in such a short space of time, for no obvious reason? Obviously, there’s the very obvious reason that B is no longer here with me, but I am more used to him not being here, so that doesn’t really explain the sudden change in my mood. Grief can be strange…

I was glad I caught the bus, though, as walking along my street I met a new neighbour and we must have spent almost half an hour chatting and, rather surprisingly, we covered a lot of ground. It turned out that she had recently been to a meeting, which I couldn’t go to, but where B had been part of the management team and, when we had made the connection, she mentioned that his name had come up. This gave me a warm feeling - he hasn’t been completely wiped away by other people. I wish I had been there! This led us to talk about grief, which she has also known. I still felt sad, but it was so reassuring to meet someone who understands and who was happy to talk about grief even though we had only just met. There is something about being part of this club that no-one wants to belong to, but where those who do belong just ‘get it’…

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