It's complicated!

 Up until recently, I had thought I was doing reasonably well! I think it’s fair to say, though, that during the last couple of weeks I have felt in a degree of turmoil. I have had some really good, enjoyable times out - lunch with a friend, watching the Jubilee Flypast from Trafalgar Square, a lovely and fun walk with friends, attending the Jubilee Concert, and so forth, and sometimes, I have even found myself singing in the shower again. So, it’s not as though I haven’t felt happy, and yet I have also just had this sense of general glumness a lot of the time, and there have been a couple of times where I have just been flung back to that black void where I’ve found myself hugging B’s cardigan and crying my heart out. I have been trying to work out what has been going on - I don’t like being like this. 

Sleep definitely affects how I feel, and I am noticeably less resilient when I am tired. For some reason, for the past couple of weeks or so, I have reverted to getting only four or five hours sleep several nights a week. The trouble is, it’s bit of a vicious circle - I feel more emotional because of the lack of sleep, but I sleep less well when all these thoughts and feelings are whirling around inside me.  After B died I survived on four or five hours sleep for months and I didn’t really notice the tiredness - I think I was probably just wandering around like a zombie most of the time! Now, though, I do notice it, and it makes my grief harder, which isn’t really helpful. I’m not sure that the lack of sleep entirely accounts for the general feeling of glumness I’ve been experiencing, though. I keep asking myself whether I am depressed, but I’m not. Obviously, I continue to miss B, oh so much, but that hasn’t changed.

I will admit that I have felt lonelier recently. Mostly, I actually feel lonelier when I’m with other people rather than when I’m on my own. Not when I’m with a small group of friends, like the occasions I’ve mentioned above, but rather when there are greater numbers of people, such as church. The trouble with being with lots of people (!!) is that, quite rightly, everybody is carrying on as usual and yet it can still sometimes feel like I am a tired alien in a strange land. This is then compounded by how resilient or not I am feeling on that particular day. Everybody is carrying on with their lives, but my life doesn’t (yet?) feel normal and I still find myself wanting to shout ‘I wish you understood what it’s like’. I’ve written about this before, so I won’t reiterate all the thoughts that then follow this, but it remains hard. I know that many people who have lost their spouse feel like this, particularly after the first year, and they recount how they hide their grief and pretend they are alright when they are not. I am aware that I have started to do this too. My inner critic worries that others think I ‘should be over it by now’ or that I should be doing better than I am. If I’m honest, I also worry about whether I should be coping better than I am, ‘Shouldn’t I be able to handle this better by now?’, ‘Why am I so sensitive?’, ‘Am I just feeling sorry for myself?’ Generally, though not always, I seem more able to regain my equilibrium when I’m on my own. Sometimes, I wonder whether I am punishing myself. I try so hard to ‘just do it anyway’, to carry on and do the things I used to do, but I do sometimes wonder whether it would be kinder to myself to stay at home, to not expend so much emotional energy to just end up feeling worse. I wonder what I would say to someone else in my position… 

The thing I am beginning to notice about the second year of grief is that it feels much more complicated. In many ways, last year is beginning to feel easy (!!!), I was in pain and grieving, and that’s all there was to it. Now, though, there seem to be all these added dimensions to it. Now, I also have to cope with my own self-judgement, which complicates it all. Now, I’m less able to show my grief and so I hold it in (I don’t want to be a burden), but then at some point when I’m on my own the volcano erupts; I’m far less willing to show my vulnerability, although I still feel it. Now, I seem to be also mourning (again) the loss of the dear friend I always used to be able to talk with, and who would understand and ‘just be there’, who would just accept me as I was. Now, I am much more aware of my interactions with others and how they make me feel - other people can really affect the intensity of my grief without even being aware of it. In some ways, it feels as though the zombie-like me was more protected as I was oblivious to most things going on around me, and I couldn’t have kept my pain in even if I had tried. In some ways I am now my old self, a sensitive being that can’t easily share her feelings (perhaps that’s why writing helps so much!), but in others I feel like a completely different person.

So, this morning, I decided to see if I could find anything about my personality type with regards to grief on the internet - maybe to see if what I am experiencing is normal!! If you know anything about Myers Briggs personality typing, I am an ISFJ (https://eu.themyersbriggs.com/en/tools/MBTI/MBTI-personality-Types/ISFJ). I didn’t look very hard, and what I did find is anecdotal rather than scientific. There are some contradictions (after all, ISFJs are individuals!), but there are also quite a few truths that can be applied to me in what I did find. They are, perhaps, a little reassuring and shed some light as to why I am as I am!!

ISFJs often find themselves searching eagerly for distractions when they suffer from grief. They attempt to uphold their duties and keep distracted by the people around them. Grief often makes an ISFJ shut down and go into a very internal mode of feeling. They do not handle loss or pain well, and find it easiest to put off opening up for a while. They may seem more depressed than their usual happy selves and will not easily express their sadness to others. ISFJs often want to shield people from pain, which can cause them to pretend they are fine when in fact that are not. They may find themselves attempting to help others that are suffering from similar grief, instead of processing their own sadness. Eventually the ISFJ will have to process their grief, which is often best done alone. They are very private individuals, which makes openly expressing their feelings somewhat difficult. Eventually the ISFJ may find themselves capable of opening up to someone very close to them in order to move on. (Scott Stafford: https://personalitygrowth.com/the-ways-in-which-each-personality-type-handles-grief/)

 

ISFJs experiencing grief can get stuck in a cycle of replaying what went wrong and what they could have done differently or better. They tend to blame themselves before looking outward at the other effects and facts involved. They often get stuck dwelling on negative emotions as well as experiencing the pain of other people affected by whatever happened. They can find it very difficult to see beyond the immediate personal turmoil they are experiencing. They tend to be supportive and good listeners to other people who are also grieving. They will usually try to find practical ways to help or provide emotional support. Often they are helped by “venting” their emotions or getting support from a counselor or trusted friend. They are less likely than thinking types to avoid dealing with the emotions and only have them “bubble up” later.  (Susan Storm: https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2018/08/07/heres-how-you-respond-to-grief-based-on-your-personality-type/)

 

ISFJ: As an introvert they will first want to come to terms with their emotions alone. They may find events like funerals overwhelming, but talking over their feelings with a close friend or family member may help them process their feelings. They may end up helping those around them who are also grieving instead of focusing on their own emotions. Like the ISTJ they have detailed memories of the times they shared with the person and characteristics of them. (Confessions of a Myers Briggs-aholic: https://infj-mbti.tumblr.com/post/106749021728/myers-briggs-types-dealing-with-grief)

 

ISFJs may find loss next to impossible to deal with on their own. They straight-forwardly ask for comforting words, hugs, reassurance, and for you to not leave them alone. They grieve strongly, which actually assists them in getting through it faster than others. But in years to come they will recall what they've lost with sadness. Yet their memories will be bittersweet, and they will never wish they never knew who they losses (sic). They will gladly take the pain for the sake of those good memories. To help an ISFJ cope with grief, be patient with their neediness. Let them cry and hug you and do (it) with with (sic) a loving heart. They don't want to be a burden, and you'll never know how much they'll always appreciate that you were there for them during that time.  (Abby Smith: https://notreallymytype.blogspot.com/2017/02/how-each-myers-briggs-type-deals-with.html)