A big party

 In one of his more lucid moments, not long before he died, B told me to have a “big party”. I have no idea what was in his mind – perhaps, something after his funeral, though, I’m quietly, thankful, that covid prevented that. That would have been too hard! But, I haven’t forgotten what he said.

At the weekend I held a garden party (except it was held inside as it was so wet!!) and about 40 people came. Essentially, I held it because it was my turn in a trilogy of friends, but I decided to designate it, in my mind at least, as B’s ‘big party’. He would have been in his element. I can just see him, going around and chatting with everyone; occasionally, when he remembered, filling people’s glasses; me getting irritated with him because he wasn’t helping enough! But, one thing is for sure, he would have been enjoying himself. 

At times, the thought of organising the party without him just seemed too hard, and once or twice I got quite stressed by the thought of it, but I am glad I did it, and I am so grateful to those friends who helped make it happen - who helped to get my garden into some sort of shape, who helped with the food, and who helped get the house back in order after the event, etc.  Without them I couldn’t have done it. And, it was a good event, if a little squashed – who can predict the English weather?! For me, at least, it was a real celebration of life, love and friendship (with only a little bit of sadness thrown in).

Coincidentally, the day of the party marked two and a half years since B died.  It’s still the same theme, ‘how can that possibly be?’, but there it is. It has been a rocky road, but I’m glad to say that the road is flattening out. The low times haven’t completely disappeared (maybe, they don’t?), the tears still occasionally spill, the unexpected bumps will probably continue to appear, and I know that there is one further big ‘first’ to encounter in a couple of months, but despite all this, I am reconfiguring my life and am beginning to feel some sense of contentment and enjoyment again. Thankfully, and perhaps the biggest thing, the sense of meaningless is no longer there. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss B, but that big dark void is diminishing. At times, the sense of betrayal can still pop up, ‘how can I be enjoying life again without B?’, but I know that’s not how he would want me to think.

What I am very aware of is how much I have changed over the past two and a half years. I am a different me, not a new me but a different me. I see things differently; B’s death has changed my perspective. I have learnt things about myself. I enjoy things I didn’t use to do. I have made new friends and re-connected with others. I do different things. Sometimes, this can still feel odd, particularly when I’m doing things that, perhaps, B wouldn’t have enjoyed, but one thing I am certain of, he wouldn’t have wanted me to get stuck in the past. He would want me to take life by the horns, and that’s what I’m starting to do…

So, I celebrate his life, our time together, and all that I have gained through this and, now, the time without him. I celebrate life, love and friendship, and will try to continue to do so as I move forward…