The Grieving Jester

My airing cupboard was too full. It needed sorting out, and I knew this should probably result in some things being thrown out or given away. I’d been putting it off, partly, because I know there would be some ‘difficult’ items in there (!!!). When we got married, B and I both brought things with us into the marriage and one of those was towels. My old ones have all gone, but there were still some of B’s left! Many have been thrown out because they were frayed or threadbare, but some remained. If he had been here, we might have just have agreed to get rid of them; now he is gone, they have suddenly become precious items. I know this sounds (is) ridiculous, and I can’t get my head around how items I previously would have got rid of in a flash have now become cherished items, but there it is! Anyway, I managed to get rid of some, but a few have stayed. They remind me that B was real and that he was here and part of my life… I was, in fact, very glad that I had tidied the airing cupboard ...

Since my last post (now corrected), where I originally stated that it was eleven months since B died, when it was actually ten, I have been wondering how I could have made such a big mistake. Perhaps, I just counted wrong but actually I didn’t count at all, as in my head I was convinced it was eleven months! When I did eventually realise that I had got it wrong, I did actually wonder whether I was going mad!  For better or worse, I do tend to remember dates, so I think the probable reason for my mistake is that, as we move towards December, I am aware of several big dates looming. These dates are a little way away, but some of them already feel quite monumental and, perhaps, because of that, nearer than they actually are. If I could, I would try to forget most of them or, failing that, go away and hibernate. 14 th December - what would have been our silver wedding anniversary 22 nd December - 11 months (!) since B died 25 th December - Christmas 26 th December  -...

Firstly, an update about my reunion. I want to say thank you to all those who took the time to catch up with me and who quietly acknowledged my loss without making a big deal of it. Your care meant a lot. Also, thank you to those with whom I had deeper conversations. That was also appreciated. Going back to Barts was actually easier than I had anticipated. We stayed in the square and didn’t go inside the hospital, so that made it less complicated. What I hadn’t quite anticipated was how overwhelming it would feel just meeting up with that number of people all at once. I could feel the emotions rising within me, but I also knew that if I just took myself off that that would make it worse. An observant friend, though, noticed that I was somewhat overcome and just took me aside for a few minutes until I could centre myself, so thank you J. Overall, it was a lovely weekend and it was great to meet up and renew friendships and make new connections. Today is ten months since B died. I ask ...

This week has seemed a hard week. The days have been grey and the evenings long, and getting longer. I was due to stay with friends but felt below par because of a cold so postponed, so that didn’t help, but the main reason for feeling glum has been the remembering of happier times with B and our friend who died. These are good memories but, as I have learnt, memories can be bittersweet. Sometimes they can make me smile, at other times they just make me sad, and yet the remembering is important. The loss of both of them seems like the end of an era, though…  It came to me this week that my grief is like having a stone in my shoe. It is always there and feels uncomfortable, but various factors, such as how tired I am, what else is going on, whether I am able to distract myself (sometimes this is possible, sometimes not), whether the sun is shining, and so on, can change how I perceive the discomfort. Occasionally, now, I almost get used to it; I can feel the stone but it feels small...

I don’t quite know where to start this post. In many ways it has been a good week, but it has also been a hard week. And, strangely, my body seems to know that. I have, again, twice, fallen asleep with the light still on, and towards the end of the week I have been waking up at 4.30 am.  It seems odd that, after my sleeping pattern was improving, when I most need strength my body seems to deny it, but there it is! Anyway, I joined the Service of Reflection on Tuesday, All Souls’ Day, and cried, but the service was good. It felt as though my grief was acknowledged. I had ‘permission’ to remember and honour B, and I could also remember others – all those who mourn, in far worse circumstances than mine, and those in our world who live with war, climate change, disease, and so forth, and whose hopes have been crushed. We had an enjoyable Home Group social evening. I most missed B when everybody had left and when, ordinarily, we would have been clearing up together, but it was a goo...

 A couple of times recently I have found myself singing in the shower, I haven’t done this since B died. It wasn’t a deliberate decision not to do so, it was just one of those things that disappeared with him. Now it’s back, and that makes me happy. I have also noticed that, over the last ten days or so, I have been crying much less, and there have been several consecutive days when I haven’t cried at all. Don’t misunderstand me, previous to this I wasn’t going around crying all the time, but it was unusual not to have had at least a few seconds / minutes crying each day. I recently stayed with my family for a few days, which was good and an obvious distraction, but even on days before and after that at home it has been the same. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, I have had a variety of feelings about this. I’m happy the misery is less, but I wonder what has changed. It makes me worry that B is getting further away from me, which of course he is, when I don’t want to lose him. It feels...