The Grieving Jester

Having been at home more recently, I have spent a bit more time on the computer than usual and I came across some poems that I had written. I must admit that I find it surprising that I actually wrote these as, although I like reading poetry, I wouldn’t have expected that writing it would be something I would do. I remember, though, that they just formed in my head, there wasn’t any effort involved. I guess it was just another way for me to express myself; I had to externalise my feelings somehow and, at the time, this seemed a natural way of doing it. Here they are in chronological order (including the one I posted at the anniversary of B’s death), and I think they demonstrate the rollercoaster of emotions that grief causes.   One More Day (October 2021) Today is another day. Some days I can smile, Others I shed some tears. Who knows what today will bring.   Today is one more day without you. One day further away from you. I feel sad as you disappear a little more into the d...

Over the Easter weekend, I read Claudia Coenen’s book, ‘ Shattered by Grief. Picking up the pieces to become WHOLE again ’. It’s one of those books that I wish I had found earlier. So much of it resonated with me and, whilst I had already worked out a lot her advice for myself, there were some really helpful titbits in it. One of these, I think, explains what I couldn’t work out in my last blogpost, why I have felt more sanguine whilst being at home with covid.  Coenen talks about the ‘ ”proceeding as if” method ’. It’s about undertaking activities that take you out of your pain, as if you will enjoy them, even though it might feel like you don’t have the energy or emotional stamina to do them, and how doing this can become a “ pathway towards living again ”. I thought, “yes, I have been doing this - making myself do it anyway”: going to church Sunday by Sunday, going to an exhibition or out for a meal either with a friend or on my own, going for a walk, going to the cinema, etc., ...

 Back in 2017 B made a brief appearance on ‘News at Ten’. He had just happened to be in the bank whilst some reporters were there, and he was interviewed by them. The interview was a matter of seconds, but there he had been speaking on television in his everyday voice, the voice I still cannot hear. I was reminded of this some months ago, when I was reading my diary and came across the date. So, I thought I would see if it was possible to get a copy of the report. Expecting to be disappointed, I contacted ITV. They got back to me almost immediately and told me that I needed to contact Getty. I emailed Getty, and they came back to me very promptly telling me that I needed to contact ITN. So, over the next weeks and months I sent several enquiries to ITN using their online forms and various email addresses. Not a dicky bird; not one reply! I have to say, this didn’t impress me, particularly as ITV and Getty had responded so quickly and been so helpful. Well, last week, I decided to h...

As I’m sure you noticed, Friday was 1st April. This date is noteworthy for a few reasons. Firstly, obviously, it’s April Fool’s Day. Secondly, at the beginning of any month, B and I always used to have a little competition to see which one of us could catch the other first to say, “pinch, punch, first day of the month”. I miss this! Last, but not least, 1st April last year was when B’s ashes were scattered. I knew this date was coming up, and had pondered a little about it as I wondered whether it would seem wrong to go to a party in the evening (I decided it wasn’t). In the end, though, suffice it to say, I forgot all about it until I got into bed early the next morning! I felt a little guilty, but I decided that B would be pleased that I had had a good day, and wouldn’t have minded that I forgot. This also made me realise, though, that I no longer think about the 22nd day of each month (the date B died) as they pass by. Since the anniversary of his death these have just slipped by un...