The Grieving Jester

Hello, me again, the personification of my author’s grief! I haven’t been around for a bit as my author thought she was doing okay, getting on a more even keel. At the moment, I am agitating her, though. She is realising that I am making myself much more complex now. For the first year after B’s death she pretty much experienced me at face-value, ‘what you feel is what you get’, the raw grief, the sorrow, the vulnerability. She had been getting used to me. I had become her strange friend, sometimes provoking feelings of terrible loss, sometimes comforting, mostly anything in between, but always there in the background whatever she was doing. Now though, I am making it all so much more complicated and I am confusing her. Her thought processes are whirling round and around, and she is wondering whether she is projecting me onto other things in her life, and if so why? I then make her question what is going on: “Is it because I’m finding it hard to express how I’m feeling now?”, “Am I try...

This has been an odd week in that I don’t really know how I am or what I am feeling! I have had highs and lows, with everyday life in between, but it all just seems a bit unreal at the moment. I wasn’t going to write a blog post. What was there to say, except that which I’ve already said? Then, though, I came across a couple of things that stirred a reaction within me. The first was an article ( https://whatsyourgrief.com/six-word-stories-statements-and-exclamations-a-journaling-exercise/ ) about using six-word stories, describing them as “perfect little bite-sized emotional expressions”. This took my fancy, so I decided I would try to write one for each day since my last post: Tuesday: Conflict between sorrow and happiness continues. Wednesday:  Mired in grief – what’s the point? Thursday: On my own; regaining my equilibrium. Friday: Party time, fun but overwhelming.  Saturday: Friends bring happiness, despite the enervation. Sunday: Church: up and down I go! Monday: Invit...

  Up until recently, I had thought I was doing reasonably well! I think it’s fair to say, though, that during the last couple of weeks I have felt in a degree of turmoil. I have had some really good, enjoyable times out - lunch with a friend, watching the Jubilee Flypast from Trafalgar Square, a lovely and fun walk with friends, attending the Jubilee Concert, and so forth, and sometimes, I have even found myself singing in the shower again. So, it’s not as though I haven’t felt happy, and yet I have also just had this sense of general glumness a lot of the time, and there have been a couple of times where I have just been flung back to that black void where I’ve found myself hugging B’s cardigan and crying my heart out. I have been trying to work out what has been going on - I don’t like being like this.  Sleep definitely affects how I feel, and I am noticeably less resilient when I am tired. For some reason, for the past couple of weeks or so, I have reverted to getting only ...

This week has been a mixed week. I've had some very good times, some less so, but I keep reverting to a general glumness, which I’m still trying to process. I suspect it may just be that I’m lacking some sleep although, let it be said not by choice.  At one point  this week , I was reading about grief avoidance (which I'm fairly sure I don't do), and the article suggested that looking at photos of significant objects can be helpful in trying to counteract avoidance.  This gave me the idea of creating a digital collage of things that bring B to mind.  I haven't done any digi-art since B died, so this also seemed a good way to start again.  In the process of creating my collage, I came to realise that I don't like the word  'triggers', it feels negative. Even if something provokes a sad or difficult response it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, so I have decided to re-label them 'memory sparks'.  So, here is my collage of memory sparks...